Santa Claus Confidential Read online

  Copyright © 2019 by Kevin Neary

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

  Interior illustrations by Andy Beauchamp, unless otherwise noted.

  Cover design by Brian Peterson

  Cover photo credit Getty Images

  ISBN: 978-1-5107-4587-2

  Ebook ISBN 978-1-5107-4588-9

  Printed in China

  Contents

  Introduction

  Why Me?

  “What Can Santa Get You for Christmas?”

  Dear Santa … Letters and Artwork for Santa

  “Don’t Forget the Milk and Cookies!”

  Everything You Wanted to Know about Santa but Were Afraid to Ask

  I Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up

  Final Memorable Encounters with Santa

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Introduction

  I will be the first to admit that for the past twenty-five years, I’ve lived a double life. I even went as far as wearing a disguise and altering my appearance. Yes, it is true that during this time, I’ve played the role of Santa Claus for a local department store and most recently for a certain famous “Mouse.”

  There is one idea I always find fascinating when thinking about Santa—no matter how old we get, we still want to believe in his presence and the magic he seems to possess. For most of us, somewhere within the deep recesses of our mind, the concept of Santa Claus is remembered as a joyful and meaningful experience.

  Santa Claus is the figure of hope that suggests there is still good and kindness in the world. He provides an escape for us to slip back into our childhood and forget all about the worries and burdens of being an adult. For those who have children, a visit to Santa Claus reminds us of the true meaning of the holidays.

  I’m not saying that every visit to Santa Claus with the children, and even adults, has been picture-perfect for me over the years. That has been the fun part of playing Santa. Seeing my own three children hold me in high regard for my role as Santa has been one of my greatest experiences. Also, for my children not to realize it was me, as Santa Claus, has only added to the magic of their many visits.

  Over the years, I have enjoyed the opportunity to share my story with others, beginning with how I secured the position of Santa Claus to some of the more memorable encounters with the Jolly Old Elf and some rather unique children.

  How do I still recall these stories so well? Well, whenever I recounted a story to a friend or family member, they encouraged me to write it down. And so it was that I got into the habit of writing or organizing these stories in order to provide a system of recording and preserving their value. I guess you can say, this book has been a “work in progress” for more than twenty-five years.

  The book examines the traditional Santa visit and helps answer some of the more basic questions that make up every child’s visit to the man in the famous red suit. It tackles those traditional and burning questions such as What can Santa get you for Christmas?, Are you leaving any milk and cookies for Santa?, and, one of my personal favorites, Have you been good?

  For years, I grappled with a title for this book. Originally I called the book simply, True Confessions and Stories of a Department Store Santa. However, the concept of being a department store Santa basically has become a dying breed over the years. Perhaps sadly, there are very few true department stores that feature a Santa Claus for children to visit ­anymore. The notion of Santa, or rather a visit to Santa, is generally considered now a visit to the local mall and meeting the Santa that is there on duty. When I was growing up in the 1960s and early ’70s a visit to Santa Claus meant a trek or journey downtown. The concept of large malls was just in blueprint form when I was a youngster.

  Growing up, I lived in Philadelphia and the downtown area was scattered with large department stores. You were either a Gimbels family or a Wanamaker’s family, or even a Lit Brothers or Strawbridge & Clothier family years ago. I can remember Gimbels had an extensive toy department, while Lit Brothers featured a Christmas Village, and Wanamaker’s topped them all with a real working monorail in the store and an elaborate light show.

  These were the institutions and landmarks where most people from Philadelphia and the surrounding area would shop and it was also your home for the holidays when it came to a visit to Santa Claus.

  My only memory of actually sitting on Santa’s lap when I was younger, was me sitting and not saying a word. I was like Ralphie from A Christmas Story when he couldn’t initially remember what he truly wanted for Christmas. (Of course, for those fans of the motion picture, we all know he wanted a Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle.)

  According to my parents, apparently my older brother, Gerard, was the spokesperson for the two of us when we visited Santa Claus. So, I have no idea or memory as to what he asked for on my behalf. I do remember not getting my Planet of the Apes figures by Mego when I was seven years old. I was devastated. Every cool kid back then had them on their Wish List. I guess I wasn’t cool enough.

  Which brings me to another title that I toyed with for this book: I Look Better Far Away. This title has a meaning all to itself in its ability to describe the ideas or feelings of the children that patiently wait in line to see Santa. They are so excited and they can’t wait to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him about everything that is on their own wish list. However, as they move closer to the actual lap and the realization that they are about to see Santa close up, the element of fear and panic overtakes them. So, for many kids, myself and Ralphie included, Santa does really seem to look better far away!

  But that’s not necessarily true for every kid. And so it is that the title Santa Claus Confidential seems to be most logical and the best description for the book you are about to read. I hope you enjoy the following pages as much as I did the journey in putting together and retelling these memorable stories.

  Why Me?

  Many people over the years have asked me things like, how did you ever get the job playing Santa Claus? Were you looking to be a Santa Claus? Was it a job you always wanted? Did you lose a bet?

  Then after I secured the position, the first question from most people was, Did any kid ever tinkle, poop, pee, urinate, slabber, vomit … [the list or some version of the list or description goes on and on] on you? Fortunately, in all of my years I can honestly say “no” to that line of questioning. Call it fast hands or just a pinch of luck. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

  As for the question, “How did you get the job?” well, I guess you can say I was in the right place at the right time. In other words, I walked into the employment office and the hiring manager admitted to me that he had one final job to fill this holiday season, and then he could go on vacation. I was that guy, and I am sure the hiring manager had a wonderful time on vacation.

  Interesti
ngly, I was never told what the role was until the very end of the interview process. I learned from the hiring manager that there was this opening for the holiday season and I would be perfect for the role. I, on the other hand, was in my second year of college and I was in search of a part-time job to help carry me through the Christmas season. I needed money because my father’s wallet was running dry. I had thought about all of the places that I didn’t want to work—for example, fast food establishments. I have nothing against them; it’s just I figured I had flipped my share of burgers during my high school years.

  So, where is a decent place for one to work for the holiday season? How about a department store? I wondered. They should at least pay pretty well on an hourly basis, and besides, practically all of them offer some type of store discounts. A store discount was a pretty big factor in my decision-making process because I knew I had a lot of Christmas presents to buy and every little bit helps. So, why not take the plunge? Fortunately, I was going in with an open mind, which meant I would take any job offered—sales, stocking the shelves—it really didn’t matter to me.

  Fortunately, the town where I lived, Philadelphia, had an abundance of big-city department stores. So, the next morning, I set my sights on visiting one such store’s personnel department as soon as classes were completed for the day. The store’s name was Strawbridge & Clothier, which sadly no longer exists. For decades, it was a Philadelphia institution, but as mergers and takeovers became the law of survival, Strawbridge & Clothier got bought out and it was slowly abandoned.

  One plus about this particular downtown store was its location, and how easy it would be for me to get there from school. I was just a short bus ride away. As soon as classes ended for the day, I made my way to the store. As I got off the bus and crossed the street, I paused for a moment and looked up at the eleven-story building. The brightly decorated windows came into focus, depicting scenes of the upcoming Christmas season, which reassured me that I was at the right place.

  I hurried to the nearest elevator and pressed the number eleven, the location of the personnel offices. As I approached the doorway, I took notice of all the other eligible candidates already filling out their applications. I could not help but wonder if they were my competition.

  Trying to remain focused, I picked up an application at the entrance, where they were lying in a bin by the hundreds. I then carefully crammed myself into one of the many little wooden desks scattered throughout the room. I felt like I was back at Sister Dorothy’s fourth grade classroom at Holy Child once again.

  The application was nothing special. After completion, I presented it to a woman who was seated at a desk at the front of the room, who, from what I could tell, was there to evaluate and screen potential candidates. After glancing over my application for a grand total of five seconds, she put it down, folded her hands, and said, “Oh, we’re all done hiring for the Christmas season for now.”

  What?! Did I miss that sign coming in the door? My face told the whole story. Then again, I knew she was probably programmed to make such a statement and must have said it a thousand times every day. As soon as my face began to regain some expression, I started to mutter under my breath. “Why didn’t you tell me before I wasted my time filling out that crummy application?”

  After inquiring to her again about the availability of work and was again told nothing was available, I turned and made my way to the door. I began to walk out and after only a few steps, I heard the woman’s voice call over to me. Could persistence have paid off? “Wait a minute,” she said. I turned and headed back to the desk and saw her ruffling through some papers. She must have found the one she wanted because after she pulled out this one in particular she asked me a rather unusual question, “Do you like kids?” That’s a rather ambiguous question and why would she ask something like that?

  After gaining my composure, I blurted out the only response that came to mind, “Sure, they’re okay.”

  I guess that was all she needed to hear, because the next thing I knew she was asking me if I could come back on Wednesday, just two days from now.

  “Sure, I don’t see any problem with that,” I said as I was still not entirely clear what was happening.

  She then asked, “Is three o’clock alright?”

  “No problem,” I reassured her.

  “Good, we’ll see you again on Wednesday. Is it Kevin?” she said as she glanced at the application again to confirm.

  Well, as you can probably imagine, from the moment I walked out of the office and for the next two days, a thousand different scenarios crossed my mind. To tell you the truth in my wildest dreams, I could never have imagined they were talking about a job as Santa Claus. I was nineteen, skinny, and had a kid face. Not to mention, it wasn’t that long ago when I used to see the big man in the bright red suit myself. Becoming Santa was a long shot for me. What I did know was that Wednesday couldn’t come fast enough and my curiosity was getting the best of me just waiting to find out what this whole thing was about.

  It’s funny, I was so curious I didn’t even bother trying any other department store that day to see if they were hiring. All I knew was that I still had a lot of questions which needed to be answered and that they were the only ones who could give me those answers.

  Wednesday finally arrived and I once again made my way downtown after my last class. Fortunately, even with a few minor travel delays, I made it to the store with a few minutes to spare. I approached the personnel offices and I once again observed the all too common scene—a room filled with job applicants filling out forms for future jobs. I guess they didn’t get the memo yet that the store is done hiring for the holidays.

  As I made my way up to the front of the room, I noticed the same woman who told me to come back was again seated at the desk glancing over applications. As I moved closer to the desk, the woman was the first to speak. “Oh, there you are Kevin, we’ve been waiting for you.” Well at least she remembered my name; that’s a plus, I thought.

  “Kevin, I’ve scheduled you for a 3:15 appointment to see Mr. White, one of our hiring representatives. He will be with you shortly,” said the woman as she glanced at a series of holiday season applications she was about to reject.

  As I made my way toward the waiting area, I picked up a Christmas catalog, hoping to get myself in the Christmas spirit. Ironically, I turned to the toy section. All of the latest toys were scattered throughout the catalog along with some old reliable toys that have dominated catalogs over the years.

  I began to reminisce about my own childhood and how I couldn’t wait to get our copy of the Sears Christmas Wish Book. As a kid, the only pages that were of any significance were the back pages where you would find all of the wonderful toys. I could hear my parents saying to me, “Now, make sure you circle the toys you want so Santa knows what to bring you.” I always did wonder why the toys came with prices next to them when it was Santa and the Elves who made them. Did Santa have a bank account, and if so where did he get his money from? Big questions for a little kid, but I was probably not alone. I thought back on my childhood days and how G.I. Joe was always the gold standard, not those 4-inch poseable action figures of today. I mean the twelve-inch guy with that same scar on the side of his face and that same fuzzy hair, beard, and moustache. I remember as the years went by, how G.I. Joe got a little more sophisticated as they added features, like the talking mode and even ones with Kung Fu grip.

  Before I knew it, the time was 3:30 p.m. and there was still no sign of Mr. White. Just as I was putting down the Christmas catalog, the door swung open and out stepped a gentleman. He began to introduce himself to me while I remained seated, “Kevin, Mr. White here,” as he extended his arm to shake my hand.

  With a wide, sincere grin, he said, “Glad to meet you. Edna has told me all about you and has told me you would be perfect for the job.”

  Edna, Edna who? I thought to myself. I didn’t question, but I would just listen for now. Keeping my inquiries to myself, I
said, “Oh, thank you, Mr. White.”

  “Why don’t you come in, Kevin? My office is right down the hall.”

  As I entered his office, I thought to myself, Oh, not a bad office, he must be doing pretty well.

  “Come in Kevin, make yourself comfortable. Now, I do want to apologize for the delay. I just had a little unfinished business to settle first.”

  “No problem,” I said, “just catching up on the Christmas catalog!”

  I tried to remember my goal was just to listen for now and let him do all the talking, and that is exactly what he did.

  Clearing his throat, Mr. White said, “Now, Kevin, Edna out front said that you’re very interested in getting a job here with us for the holidays. I like that kind of persistence.”

  Well, I was right. All that nudging did pay off—or at least enabled me to get to Mr. White’s office. My mind racing, a light bulb suddenly went off inside my head. The woman at the front desk was Edna.

  With an eager nod, I answered him, “Yes, I am interested, but Edna said that nothing for the Christmas season was still available.”

  “Well, that is true and Edna does do her job well when it comes to letting the applicants know this. However, there is a position still available and it definitely has to be filled before Black Friday—the day after Thanksgiving.”

  This still did not curtail my growing curiosity.

  Mr. White continued, “But, I will add, this is no easy position to fill, and it is not a position for everyone. So, in a way, Edna is correct when she mentions we are all done hiring for the Christmas season.”

  I didn’t say a word, but I did add a nod here and there to show Mr. White I was still interested in this unknown position. Mr. White continued, “This isn’t your run of the mill ordinary job.”

  As I sat and listened, my curiosity was getting the best of me. I thought I had to ask the question, “Who do I have to kill?” based on the level of excitement and specialty this position seemed to carry and one which I was apparently uniquely qualified to hold. I figured I’d let Mr. White finish.