Santa Claus Confidential Read online

  “Kevin, as I mentioned, this job is not for everyone, it’s actually the toughest for me, personally, to fill each year.”

  Again, I sat there listening, but, by this point, my attention began to wander. You know what I mean. You’re at an interview and you have a million and one things that run through your mind. You’re not paying attention at all. Then you think of a question, but at that point, you stop and think, should I ask him, or did he just talk about that? Finally, I caught up again with the conversation, thinking this guy is smooth, I bet he can sell ice to an Eskimo.

  “Yes, Kevin, this job requires patience, good listening skills …”

  What did he just say? There I go, wandering again.

  “It requires a cheerful disposition at all times and the ability to think fast. And I’ll be honest, it isn’t easy having to deal with so many different types of people. An even temper along with stamina are also a must,” Mr. White went on to sell this mystery job the best he could.

  “However, there are certain advantages to this job compared with many other positions throughout the store. For example, good pay and we’ll work around your schedule. I know you’re in college so if you need some time off for midterms or exams, whatever it may be, whatever, let us know and we’ll work around it. And lastly, Kevin, we’ll have plenty of people around to help you out.” Little did I know at this point he was referring to Santa’s Helpers.

  I was all ears, especially when he said the magic words that every college student wants to hear: good pay. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me, and I said, “Mr. White, you know I’ve sat here, and listened to you tell me about a job that sounds too good to be true. You know that I must be extremely curious because for one thing, when I originally filled out and handed in the application, I was told that nothing was available. Now, I go from one extreme to another with a job that only I can fill.”

  And, this time I said it jokingly, “What’s the job and who do I have to kill?”

  “Ok, are you ready for this one, Kevin?” Mr. White questioned as he prepared himself to reveal the information that I had been itching to know.

  “Sure.”

  “It’s … Santa Claus.”

  At first I thought he was joking. Then the worst thought crossed my mind. All I could imagine was that he was talking about me being an elf and having to wear a ridiculous pixie outfit, so I had to ask, just to clarify, “Do you mean an elf?”

  Mr. White was a little surprised by my reaction. To clear up the confusion, he shook his head with a response, “No, I mean Santa Claus. You know, Ho, Ho, Ho! The old guy with the bright red suit. Jolly Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle with all the toys … the Big Guy who sits in the big chair while all the kids come up and sit on his lap.”

  “Santa Claus,” I said, sitting there absolutely stunned.

  My first reaction was that this is not the job for me. But, before I could reply with the statement, I stopped myself and fortunately said, “Well, why not? I’ll give it a go.”

  This was not an answer I thought about too much; it just came out. Almost like it was supposed to happen … as if it was meant to happen.

  With a wide grin, Mr. White said, “Great, I’ll have Edna get all the necessary paperwork together for you.”

  Of course, with every big decision comes the doubts. My mind became clouded with thoughts about how I was not right for this position. I could not help myself from asking Mr. White the two things that were bothering me the most. I needed to make sure this was not a mistake.

  “But don’t you think I’m a little young for the part?”

  “Nothing that a little Santa makeup can’t solve.”

  “But, what about my size? Don’t you think I’m a little too skinny?”

  With a nonchalant shrug, he replied, “That’s why God made pillows.”

  There was nothing left to say. Trying to be confident that this was right, I said, “Well, Mr. White, you certainly make a good salesman. You’ve given every good reason that I should take this job. And, if you think I can do the job, that’s good enough for me.”

  “No, thank you, Kevin. Believe me, I know I didn’t make a mistake.”

  “Now, I guess you can relax, that Christmas vacation is pretty safe now.”

  So it was that, at nineteen years old, I became the youngest Santa Claus the store ever had. I may be a little older and slightly heavier these days, but I am still thankful for makeup and pillows. Over the course of those years, I’ve worked with many other individuals who have also played the role of Santa. Though they have all come and gone, I’ve stayed because it is a part of my own life story, and I’m not quite ready to close the chapter.

  One page I had to turn came in 1996, when the department store, where I worked for the past thirteen years, faced their first corporate buyout. One of the many cutbacks that then followed was the elimination of their holiday Santa Claus. Sadly, this Santa was then without a home.

  Fortunately, I reprised the role for twelve holiday seasons for a certain mouse and for a certain cruise line, where we live in Florida these days. I have concluded that Santa Claus is one of those love-hate kinds of relationships. It’s not for everyone, but for me, it has been one thing: pure enjoyment. In the twenty-five years that I have played the role of Santa Claus, I have estimated I have seen in excess of 100,000 little kids and big kids alike, making up one tired Santa lap. I have heard the Christmas wishes from every age group—from newborns (with a little help from Mom and Dad) to a ninety-three-year-old great-grandmother.

  My greatest joys have come from seeing the faces of my own three children, Matthew, Emma, and Grace over the years. They’ve seen me in the role, but the magic for me lives on because in all of their visits they never knew the Santa Claus they were visiting was their own good old dad. Now, they are a little bigger and only recently did they all stop believing in Santa. Rather, my children have reached the logical conclusion that Santa is a really nice guy and all that, but Mom and Dad have assumed the role over the years as primary gift givers.

  I am basically retired these days from the role of Santa Claus, but I am hoping to put on the suit one day again when my children have children of their own and once again I can experience the magic and wonder of the holidays through their eyes. And, finally, to Mr. White, I never really did get the opportunity to say this back then, but, “Thank you, and I’m glad you gave me the chance.”

  “What Can Santa Get You for Christmas?”

  At first glance, the question “What can Santa Claus get you for Christmas?” appears relatively harmless, but it’s the all-important starting point of every Santa visit. After having experienced as many years of playing the role of Santa Claus as I have, what you learn is to expect the unexpected.

  Over the course of many years, this Santa has heard his share of traditional requests as to what a child would like for Christmas from Barbie dolls to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, computer games, Transformers, LEGO toys, action figures, American Girl dolls, and even board games (imagine that!). The list goes on and on.

  This chapter, however, is dedicated to some of the more untraditional requests that have made their way to this Santa Claus through the years. The requests range from the practical to the absurd, but their responses reinforce the basic underlying belief that every child is uniquely different and is very much wonderful in their own right.

  That is, in fact, one of the many reasons that I look back fondly on my twenty-five years of playing the role of Santa Claus. Many people have asked me why I continue to go back every year. The answer is simple—I love the job. I took an instant liking to the position. Since I was only nineteen when I started the role, one might argue that maybe there is just a little bit of Peter Pan in me, an individual that just doesn’t want to grow up. On the other hand, who really wants to grow up anyway? I hear it’s overrated.

  Yet despite my admiration of the job, I quickly realized I needed a strategy when responding to kids. So it was that I put myself in the shoe
s of a five-year-old child all over again.

  Sometimes, though, the plan required some adjustments as I learned things on the job. I remember an interesting phenomenon that occurred during the second year of playing Santa Claus. It was known as the Cabbage Patch doll. Parents all across the country were going crazy in an effort to find this doll. Shelves would empty as quickly as they were filled and demand certainly outweighed supply by titanic proportions.

  This was when I learned a very important lesson when it came to playing Santa Claus—never promise a visiting child anything, unless you get the thumbs up or okay from a parent or guardian. I prepared myself for any child who asked for one that Christmas. Santa would say, “Santa’s Elves are working extremely hard this year and therefore, Santa will do his very best.”

  You just can’t make any promises. The reasons are simple. What if the child has had his or her heart set on getting this particular toy and you go ahead and promise. What happens on Christmas Day when that toy isn’t there? Santa would be gone for another year and it’s the parent’s problem.

  Yet those are the easier challenges. The big ones usually occur on the day traditionally known as “Black Friday” in the retail industry. In fact, I remember the very first day I played Santa Claus, which was, of course, the Friday after Thanksgiving—a day given the distinction of “Black Friday” because it is built on the hopes of all retailers that sales will be brisk enough on that single day to help put them into the “Black” on the books, representing a profitable year.

  There I sat, waiting for my first child thinking confidently I was prepared so well to hear all about any toy any boy or girl in Kiddyland could possibly ask for this Christmas. The time had come for this Santa to meet his very first visitor. Then the unexpected happened.

  Little Karl, along with his mother and father, stepped right up for his visit. He was eager to tell Santa all about the wonderful things that he wanted for Christmas. Santa’s Helper was the first to greet Karl and his parents. The helper asked the little boy what his name was and then proceeded to escort him to Santa Claus’s chair.

  The helper was the first to speak, “Santa, this is Karl and he would like to sit on Santa’s lap and tell you about some of the things he wants for Christmas.”

  It’s always good to use the child’s name in the conversation as much as possible. In addition, having someone like Santa Claus’s Helper get the child’s name for you is a plus for any Santa. If the helper is able to get the name of the child for you, then it saves Santa from asking the child. Besides, it makes Santa look good because remember, Santa is supposed to know all, especially when it comes to names.

  Then once the child is introduced to Santa, you can always turn the conversation around and make yourself look good by replying, “Of course this is Karl! You’ve certainly grown so much since Santa has seen you last.”

  [Note from Santa: There is another Golden Rule when it comes to playing the role of Santa Claus—you try to avoid the word “I.” You speak in third person. One other thing I learned with regard to these greetings—though this one was more personal preference than a rule—was never to say “Ho Ho Ho!” I know the phrase has always been associated with the legend of Santa Claus, but I personally don’t always seem to say it with quite enough gusto. I credit those Santas out there with the voice for it but for me, I guess I am more of a tenor. Yet I digress …]

  After greeting Karl, it was now time for him to sit on Santa’s lap and tell me about all the toys, games, and gadgets that he wanted for Christmas.

  Karl’s response to the question, which he communicated rather enthusiastically, was “Coal!” Startled by Karl’s response, Santa’s natural response back to Karl’s unusual request was “Why do you want coal? Have you been bad?”

  Knowing the legend behind Santa and coal, I figured it was a legitimate question and felt this was perhaps a confession on Karl’s behalf.

  Somewhat startled by Santa’s question, Karl replied, “No, Santa.”

  Santa was determined to get to the bottom of this one and asked again, “Then why do you want coal for Christmas, Karl? Coal is generally given to little boys and girls that have been bad.”

  Confident with his answer, Karl blurted out, “Because Santa, I want to bury the coal and in ten thousand years I’ll have a diamond!”

  Clever, very clever, I thought, but not at all practical when you think about it. Well, Karl certainly provided this Santa with a rude awakening, an awakening that taught me an early and valuable lesson that out of the mouths of babes does come the most unexpected. So from that point on, I remembered what Karl said to me, and welcomed those untraditional requests.

  Yet every child is different, and for many children, simplicity can also be a necessary and wonderful ingredient. Take, for example, Julia.

  “Potatoes, I want potatoes,” replied Julia to Santa’s traditional request regarding Christmas gifts.

  Naturally, I thought to myself, Julia must be a little confused. So seeking to clarify Julia’s response I asked, “Oh, you must mean a Mr. Potato Head!”

  “No, just potatoes.”

  I guess Santa Claus should have asked, “Do you prefer Russet, or Red or Yellow potatoes, or even Santa’s favorite Fingerling potatoes?”

  Yet another clever request came from Benedict, a little boy just about six years old who knew all too well that his “wish list” (the traditional name for a list of toys a child wants for Christmas) could be classified as excessive.

  However, this was not going to deter Benedict and his list. To Benedict, there was no real reason to prioritize. He wanted toy number fifty-nine just as much as toy thirty-two or seventeen. So as Benedict finished up with his wish list, he turned to Santa and said, “Oh don’t worry Santa about my list, my daddy has a big truck if you need any help.”

  Oliver and Cody also came for a visit to Santa Claus one day with an extensive wish list. Oliver spoke on behalf of the two of them when he said, “Hey Santa, here’s our list. We don’t expect you to bring everything; it’s twelve pages long!”

  In these cases, Santa Claus had to remain very excited at the notion of such a wonderful list. Santa then turned to the boys and asked, “What is the one toy that is most special to you for this Christmas and that you want Santa to bring you?”

  Otherwise, Santa would be there for an hour reading this list.

  A little girl named Anastasia was much more diplomatic when it came to her wish list and what she wanted Santa Claus to bring her for Christmas. She said, “Santa, I would love this doll, but it is much too expensive for you to bring all of her accessories. I will be happy with just the doll.”

  I remember saying and thinking to myself, How sweet! These are the children that realize the true meaning of the holidays and are happy with whatever you bring them for Christmas.

  A little boy named Luke came to visit Santa Claus one day and asked for the following, “Santa, I want a chimney for Christmas.”

  Santa naturally replied, “Do you want a chimney for Christmas so this way Santa can use it when he visits your house on Christmas Eve?”

  Then I got this look back from Luke as though Santa had just asked the mathematical equation for the theory of relativity. “No,” replied Luke. “I need a chimney to hang my Christmas stocking!”

  Then there was Gabby, who also had her heart set on just one thing. This is how Gabby’s story goes:

  Gabby approached Santa’s chair accompanied by Santa’s Helper. She was a charming little girl of about seven. Very polite, a lot of “yes, Santa” as I continued to ask her questions. Then came Gabby’s opportunity to let the big guy in the bright red suit in on the one item that was on her wish list.

  “What can Santa get you for Christmas this year Gabby?” asked Santa.

  “I want a hot tub, Santa.”

  The first thought that crossed my mind was, Why? and Where did she hear this? Was it some effective advertising campaign she saw or was this just a clever way to slip in a request for
Mommy or Daddy? Either way, you just kind of sit there and shake your head.

  Then there was Darnell. In 1983, Eddie Murphy produced a comedy television show for HBO called Delirious. In it, he spoke about kids having a fascination for the smell of Brut cologne, and I believe this was the case with Darnell.

  “What can Santa get for Darnell this Christmas?”

  “Brut.”

  “What?”

  “Brut.”

  Santa, being an Eddie Murphy fan himself, replied kiddingly, “Brut by Faberge?”

  “Yeah, that’s it!”

  “Darnell, would you like Santa to bring you anything else for Christmas?”

  “Nah, that’ll do it.”

  Another thing I learned during these discussions is that children can be easily influenced. Whoever said that they aren’t hadn’t met Karen and Joey. Let’s start with Karen, a five-year-old who came to visit Santa one particular Christmas season. Karen couldn’t stop talking about her idol, Elvis Presley, that day. What a cool kid, Santa thought, from one Elvis fan to another. Naturally, Karen’s request was centered on the King of Rock and Roll. Specifically, she asked for the “entire Elvis Presley CD collection.” Whoever said the King is dead?

  Joey, on the other hand, had a different pop culture idol: heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson. But why Mike Tyson?

  “I like his gold front tooth!” said Joey as he then proceeded to ask Santa for a gold tooth just like his hero’s for Christmas.

  But the kids’ knowledge of the world extended far beyond pop culture, I’d soon learn. Take Sharon, for instance. Santa asked little Sharon exactly what he could bring her for Christmas and her response even surprised Santa.

  It turns out that Sharon really didn’t want much, just “a Visa and a Mastercard.” She also asked if the two could come with “no limit.”

  Not to be outdone by Sharon’s request, Isabella asked Santa for “a briefcase full of money.”